TIPS TO A LASTING MARRIAGE: Compassion and Attention.

A truly happy marriage is both peaceful and stable; it abounds with compassion, mutual love, and mercy, while discords and disagreements are reduced to a minimum level. This does not mean that a happy marriage is totally free from problems and disagreements between a husband and a wife; at least some disagreements are unavoidable and inevitable. The major difference is that some couples understand how to deal with trying situations, and solve disagreements that arise often, whereas other couples have no clue how to handle a discord or disagreement; either both types of couple or one of them exacerbates the situation until a small disagreement becomes a major battle. It’s true that battles sometimes end in a truce, but when waged on a continuous basis, battles end up in a defeat for both opponents -hence divorce and breaking up of a family is usually the outcome. What is truly sad in this regard is that massive amount of marriages end up in divorce not because of ‘irreconcilable differences,’ but because of foolish disagreements that fluctuate out of proportion due to the husband’s neglectfulness, or the wife’s stubbornness.

see! I have worked in an Islamic Courtroom (Cadi’s Court), under the Judiciary of the Gambia, from April 2016 to date. My job as a court scribe is not the most exciting working experience, due to the heavy load of stressful scenarios I occasionally struggle with. Part of my stressful experiences working in the courtroom, is the increased level of divorce files I see on the table of judgement in a single month; there is a monthly average of over 20 uninterested married women (including those with kids), launching distasteful complaints against their husbands at my workplace. Now! This unimaginable number of divorce cases is incomparable to the number of divorce cases filed in other courtrooms across the country. I once spoke to Mr. Wally, who is a Process-Server (a person who distributes summon letters to court litigants), and he uttered, “I am amazed with what I see at the Kanifing courtroom in regards to the excessive amount of divorce cases; almost all of the newly filed cases are concerned about women seeking divorce.”

Men on the other hand, are accusing their wives of infidelity, and others treat their women in a disrespectful and violent manner.

Surprisingly, as I was surfing my Facebook screen, I came across a very strange information in this “Covid-19” lock-down period. Dr. Bilal Phillips, the Chancellor of International Open University (IOU) said, “studies revealed that ever since the lock-down began, domestic violence against women (the wives) has shown an increase of 30% -a clear deviation from the principles of Islam. While we pray, fast and give charity, how conveniently do we forget that Allah will question us about how we treated our spouses!”

The huge divorce rate is globally recognized. The Time Magazine of the United States, recorded that the divorce rate has now elevated up to the 50% mark in the U.S alone. Other parts of the world are now seeing the same marital devastation.

Now! This is not good news for those “love-birds” who have already engaged, or for those “newly-weds”, I know right! but it is the hard reality of what this beautiful blessing has turned to, in our advanced generation. There is a lot of sad couples thinking of separation; a lot of marriages falling apart with their kids heartbroken. The Covid-19 lockdown period is the best moment to update the status of our marriages, and turn to a page of happiness; since it happens to be a time in which married couples spend most of their time together at home. There is a secret; a secret of happiness in marriage to be revealed to you in a few moments. What kind of a secret am I referring to?

Islam reveals the true secrets for a happy marriage. As long as both wife and husband adhere to Islam’s teachings, and as long as they observe Allah’s prohibitions and commands, they will definitely share a happy life together, till eternity.

 

LET’S GET TO THE FOUNDATIONS OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE FIRST

Every success has a foundation. The reason why Dubai has the highest and strongest building in the world, is simply because they built a strong foundation for the “sky-scrapper”. First of all, we have to understand what a happy marriage means, what it entails, and how to achieve it. It is certain that a happy marriage, in the Islamic sense, is not achieved merely through sexual relations. Well! its true that a healthy sex life between husband and wife plays a very important role in achieving a happy marriage, but there are many other factors as well – such as both parties living a stable life, economically, physically and even mentally. The other significant factors include compatibility in terms of personality, and a common view in religious matters.

Islam has already revealed the fundaments of a happy marriage, and if applied, they can guarantee a stable marriage. some of these important fundaments are;

-A WOMAN SHOULD NOT DENY HER HUSBAND IN BED

Sexual intercourse is one of the main goals and fruits of marriage. The basis for life among created beings and one of the most important of human desires and needs. Through act of lawful sexual intercourse, urges and emotions are satisfied; the body and soul are nourished; husband and wife are better protected from illicit behavior; the soul and body receive pleasure and so one concentrates fully on worship.

It is forbidden for a woman to refuse her husband’s sexual advances (except if they are in the state of being pilgrims, regardless of whether they are performing Umrah or Hajj. She can also refuse him when she falls sick and when menstruating) unless if there is a valid reason.

-DUTIES OF THE HOUSE SHOULD BE SHARED

The man’s responsibility, as the leader of the household during the marriage, is to protect himself and his family especially from the Hell-fire, for Allah, the greatest, mentioned in this regard:

“Ward off yourselves and your families from the Fire of Hell.”

Hence a man should fulfill the rights of his spouse by protecting, advising and obeying the commandments of his creator (Allah). His wife is also responsible for organizing affairs of the entire compound, her husband’s affairs, and children’s affairs; she should also advise her husband when necessary.

-A WIFE SHOULD SERVE HER HUSBAND

Men love it when their wives take up the responsibility of preparing delicious food, and serve it with some level of romanticism. It pleases a husband to see the beauty of his wife extend to her delicious cooking; it increases the love of a man towards his wife. The same thing happens when a wife serves her husband by keeping his clothes clean, treating the husband’s relatives with kindness, fixing up the mattress, welcoming the husband’s guest with delicious meals and so on.

-THE WIFE MUST OBEY HER HUSBAND

it is compulsory for a wife to obey her husband if what he asks her to do is not against the Islamic Law. She may disobey him, if he orders her to sin. As the rule states “There is no obedience to created beings when disobedience to the creator is involved.” If a wife is commanded by the husband, to do something which has nothing to do with unlawful acts, she must obey and comply; for Allah has given men the authority of leadership before their wives.

There are many Hadeeth, in which our beloved prophet (peace be upon him) exhorted women to obey their husbands. Abu Huraira (may Allah’s mercy be unto him) reported that the Messenger of Allah said:

“If a woman performs her five daily prayers, if she guards her private parts and obeys her husband, she will enter from any of the gates of Paradise she wishes to enter from.”

-A REAL MAN IS EXPECTED TO HELP HIS WIFE IN HOUSEHOLD RELATED CHORES

That a woman must be dutiful to her husband does not mean that a man should be lazy in helping his wife to handle household related works. We are required to be kind to our wives as Muslim husbands, and part of being kind to our wives is to be dutiful to them, especially in helping them around the house. Aishah (may Allah’s blessings be unto her), the Mother of the Believers, said, “The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) would serve the family, and then when the time for prayer arrived, he (peace be upon him) would leave to pray. In another narration, Hisham bin Urwah related that his father said, “I asked Aisha (mercy of Allah be unto her), “what would the Prophet do (in terms of work) in his house?” she replied, ”He would stitch his garment and mend his shoes, and he would do the same work that men (normally) do in their homes.” What a great husband and a figure of inspiration our beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) was!

-KINDNESS AND PATIENCE IN DEALING WITH ONE’S WIFE

Women are naturally sensitive, emotional and excitable. They desire gentleness and kindness in dealings more than we the men do; paradoxically, however, it takes much less to sparkle their anger. It is therefore, a husband’s responsibility to take her natural disposition into consideration when interacting with her, and to not treat her severely when he is not happy with her (when angry with her). Most importantly, we need to follow the “Teacher of mankind”, our beloved prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him), in order to master the art of handling one’s wife with kindness.  Abu Hurairah (may Allah’s mercy be unto him) narrated a Hadith, in which our beloved prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“(Follow my command): Treat women well and with kindness, for women were created from the rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is the upper part. And if you were to go to straighten it, you would break it; and if you were to leave it, it would remain crooked. So, treat women well and with kindness.”

This literally means that a woman was created from a rib (the creation of Hawwah, the wife of Adam, from the rib of Adam), and she will not become upright for the husband, regardless of the efforts the husband makes in trying to make his wife upright. If you take pleasure with her, you take pleasure with her, though she has some crookedness in her. But if you try to straighten her, you will end up breaking her; and breaking her means divorcing her. “Here, it is as if the prophet (peace be upon him) is saying: You can’t truly find joy, pleasure, and comfort from your wife unless you are truly patient with her. A real man has to take his wife as a complete package (both the good and bad aspects of her character) and vice versa. A husband will be able to lead a happy life with his wife, when he withholds this understanding. So, a husband can lead a happy and peaceful life with his wife, if he is patient with her and learns how to treat her with humor.

-OVERLOOKING AT LEAST SOME OF HER FAULTS

A husband should be fair in assessing the affairs of his wife. If he remembers a single fault of hers, he should try to replace those negative thoughts with a positive one; he should remember her good qualities instead. The Prophet said (P.B.U.H):

“Let not the believer despise a female believer if he hates one of her qualities but is pleased with another (e.g., she has bad manners but she is religious, chaste or beautiful.”

I only desire to reform so far as I can, to the best of my efforts and ability. And my guidance cannot come except from my creator (Allah), in him I put my trust and unto him I sincerely repent for any unknown fault I might have committed.

BY: Br. Sulayman Ndow

For Kairaba News Network